Lowered Expectations

Sunset Suite Bathroom

Costa Rica Cost of Living Update: A three bedroom villa at a popular five-star resort— $5000/night

Enjoy this free chapter from my next book, Happier Than A Billionaire: An Acre in Paradise. I think we’ve all met people like this.

“When the Dinklemans arrive, we should hand them a cold drink. That would be a nice touch,” Rob suggests this morning.

That is a horrible idea.

I’ve grown increasingly anxious about our upcoming venture into hospitality. To ease my nerves, I peruse one-star reviews on luxury resorts. This gives me endless hours of amusement. I’m obsessed with reading about people who are especially hard to please. And many of these people seem to be lumped together as prestigious Gold Card Members of a certain five-star resort chain.

I’m always intrigued by people who inform me that they are gold card members of anything. I was once a card member of Costco. Unfortunately, there was nothing gold about it. I unwisely purchased a skyscraper-sized box of Pop-Tarts, along with a large bag of individually wrapped cream cheese packets that was set to expire in ninety days. Rob didn’t want the cream cheese to go bad, so he spread it on each Pop-Tart and ate them all day, every day, for three months. This inevitably led to a twenty-pound weight gain and sporadic twinges of angina.

You might be wondering what one has to do in order to become a prestigious Gold Card Member of a five-star luxury resort, and I am here to tell you. It appears the only requirement is to complain, a lot, about everything.

“But Nadine,” you’re asking, “do these expectations really ruin a perfectly good vacation?” Bet your complimentary shower cap they do.

Once one is in this fraternity, there are perks abound. Perks I was not even aware existed. But then again, I was raised thinking an ice machine in the lobby was the echelon of high society.

Somehow hotel staff can instantly recognize a gold card member by the cantankerous look on his face. A unique twinkle in a person’s eye as they calculate the speed in which they will secure a hot washcloth and glass of cold juice, both handed to them by a concierge trained at The Gold Card Instructional Camp located in Needmore, Florida. And this part is important.

Your concierge—let’s call him Jeeves— approaches with his tray of cold juice and hot washcloths. The towel must be handed to this individual using a tong of at least six inches in length. Jeeves will then make eye contact and watch as the gold card member wipes his beleaguered, entitled face.

Eye contact is key because once the individual has removed the last bead of perspiration from his forehead, Jeeves will again use his tongs to take the cloth back while simultaneously exchange it with a glass of juice. The juice—orange or mango, never apple—should be in a champagne flue for dramatic purposes. And it must be cold. Very cold. Fortress of Solitude cold.

While maintaining eye contact, the gold member leisurely sips his beverage. Jeeves nods his head in acknowledgment of how well the individual has accomplished the impressive skill of swallowing. Once the juice is finished—and this is critical— the concierge removes the drink from the guest’s hand and places it gently back on the tray.

I must have read a dozen one-star reviews from people who had their trip ruined by this delicate interaction of, what I like to call, the Washcloth-To-Juice Tango. There are missteps galore. Juice is given before the towel. Guests are subjected to lifting their own glasses of juice. Towels are not tong-delivered. And the biggest indignity of all, no eye contact throughout.

I’m fascinated by the last complaint the most: no eye contact. My life is designed around avoiding eye contact with every human on the planet. At five feet tall, with the uncanny ability to garner absolutely no attention from either sex, this is easily accomplished. But I’m keenly interested in this important card member feature, so I spend hours imaging the excruciating horror of it all, the idea of staring at Jeeves just to clock how much time he is staring back at me. This seems like a lot of pressure right after getting off a shuttle bus that smells like airplane farts. Let’s face it, shuttle buses always smell like airplane farts.

Now you can see why I can’t offer anyone a drink as they arrive at my house for fear I will not be staring at them long enough. Or, if they don’t know the Washcloth-To-Juice protocol of the stare, they will wonder why this lunatic is monitoring their ability to swallow mango juice. It’s a net loss for all involved.

If this was the only thing Gold Members complain about, I might give them a Gold Card pass. But these tragic incidents are lengthy. Some of which involve shaving “kids” that were not provided. I sure hope these are spelling errors and that they mean “kits” because if there is a shaving “kid,” I find it not only politically incorrect but wonder how I can get my hands on one.

These shaving kits are not to be requested, but placed strategically in the middle of the bathroom countertop, not less than four inches from the edge of either sink. If one is not present, a Gold Member will never contact housekeeping. Ever. The resentment festers until a brouhaha erupts in the lobby. This is where all Gold Card shitfests take place.

If their vacations aren’t ruined by the delicate Washcloth-To-Juice Tango, the shaving kit fiasco will surely finish the job. These guests will demand to speak to the manager, which from my experience traveling is always off somewhere in Barbados getting his own washcloth and juice handed to him.

The manager never appears. Telephone calls are never returned. And the zip-line tour is canceled because Jim tells his golden family they are all going home. But don’t let me give you the impression it’s just men that are disenfranchised when all of the accouterments are not provided. Oh no. Women have been known to sob in the corner as well.

The peculiar thing about their complaints is that they’re always personal in nature like they didn’t get a handwritten note in their room.

“It was my wife’s birthday, and she never received a note of good wishes. This dampened her experience and weighed heavily on our minds throughout the stay.”

Listen you privileged buffoon; my husband doesn’t even give me a handwritten card on my birthday. You expect Serafina from housekeeping to scribble some nonsense to your beloved? Should it be written on 14pt cardstock? Using a fountain pen crafted from the feathers of the endangered Quetzal bird? Hey Jim, how about you take the time and do it yourself? I want to punch you square in the face for even making me type this paragraph.

The problems lie in expectations. This is where it all goes wrong. The amount of time spent imagining how things will turn out steals away from reality. A reality that could be even better but Jim would never know it. Expecting all of these perks can ruin the moment. It’s best to let go and just have a good time. Because no matter who you are, or where you stay, air conditioners can break, neighbors will get drunk and bang on the wrong door, and occasionally jellyfish invade a bay preventing you from swimming.

What’s the solution? Lowered expectations, so low that anything good becomes a gold card experience. Just the fact that you get to go somewhere exotic is quite exceptional and very gold-cardish in itself. When you think about it, a simple ice machine can make your day when you’re holding a warm glass of mango juice.

Having low expectations when I moved to Costa Rica was my saving grace. If I had expected it all to go perfectly, I might not have appreciated the hilarity of Rob stuffing twelve thousand dollars in his underpants or all of the stories that make me look back at those first few years as being the best times of my life. I’m trying to go back to that mindset while building this house. The ending to this story will be a good one, no matter how it turns out. Somehow we’ll get by; we always have.

But don’t doubt for one second that the struggle is real for these Gold Card Members. One sorry sack ended his lengthy one-star review with this.

“The entertainment at night is not up to the standards one would expect. The singers were awful, dancers out of step. And unless you request a taxi, you are ten minutes from shopping in town. I guess if you want to die here and spend all your money, then this is the place.”

I’m already working on our lowered expectations brochures and have decided that these Gold Card Members may be onto something:

“Come experience Nadine’s off-pitch singing and Rob’s clumsy two-step. It’s to die for! And speaking of dying, feel free to do it here. As your hosts, we will check your pulse every morning after providing our hot washcloth and cold juice service. We promise to stare at you for just the right amount of time.”

By | 2018-04-15T18:19:07-04:00 October 24th, 2017|Categories: The Happier House|Tags: , , |27 Comments

About the Author:

Nadine is the author of the best-selling series, Happier Than A Billionaire. Join her as she navigates living as an expat in the sometimes confusing, always beautiful, country of Costa Rica.

27 Comments

  1. Jack shook January 15, 2018 at 5:18 pm - Reply

    I hope to get a selfie of us all at the music festival if you and rob make it

    • Nadine Hays Pisani January 16, 2018 at 8:43 am - Reply

      Hi Jack! Unfortunately, we are swamped with guests at The Happier House and can’t make it. But have fun!

  2. Kai McBride January 4, 2018 at 8:22 pm - Reply

    I love your books…I’m reading An Acre in Paradise now. As a former Concierge at the Ritz Carlton Maui, I could fill a book or two with stories of “Aloha Guests” that know how to work the system. Imagine geckos on the manicured grounds of a tropical resort…enough to drive a Gold Card member to scream with displeasure and demand “consideration” for the inconvenience.

    We bought a 1/2 acre near the Osa and are designing our place in paradise. I’m sure we will have our share of new adventures…both in the jungle and at the construction site.

    • Nadine Hays Pisani January 8, 2018 at 11:39 am - Reply

      Hi Kai!

      That’s hilarious. How ridiculous. Geckos are the best part of a trip. We have them everywhere here, and there is no “displeasure” at all having them around. Thanks for purchasing my newest book.

  3. Gia Pettit October 30, 2017 at 5:34 am - Reply

    I love your attitude and your descriptions of Costa Rican life! You hit the nail on the head! I can almost relate exactly to some of your stories because I feel like we have lived oodles of them!! Your books had me laughing hysterically at times “flipping in my hammock once” and my husband laughing at me and then he had to read them also! I always say Life’s to short to be unhappy and you have captured your dream and I’m proud of you for doing it and writing so lovely about it! Thank you for giving us such joy! We live in pueblo Nuevo , guanacaste nov-may and Alaska for the beautiful months of June July august and September, which spring summer and fall occur!! I love Costa Rica with all my heart! Your representation of our little paradise is spot on!! Pura vida !!! Gia

    • Nadine Hays Pisani January 8, 2018 at 12:18 pm - Reply

      Thanks, Gia. I’ve flipped many hammocks here. LOL… that sounds like the perfect metaphor for life.

  4. James Turner October 25, 2017 at 8:39 pm - Reply

    Hey wait a minute….the antagonist’s name is Jim??? There is singing at the Happier House??

    • Nadine Hays Pisani January 8, 2018 at 11:54 am - Reply

      Sorry, Jim. That was quite unflattering. I shall only use the name Jim in a more refined manner from now on.

  5. Aixa October 24, 2017 at 9:29 pm - Reply

    Such an enjoyable blog that I discovered after reading all three of your books. I’m confused though, because I thought you already were running your BnB… What is your “upcoming venture into hospitality”?

    • Nadine Hays Pisani October 25, 2017 at 10:36 am - Reply

      Thanks for pointing that out. I meant to put at the beginning that’s it’s a free chapter from my next book.

      • Aixa October 25, 2017 at 10:48 am - Reply

        Well, that’s great news because I’m excited to read it, especially now because it’s a wonderful excerpt ??

  6. carlawordsmithblog October 24, 2017 at 6:41 pm - Reply

    Love, love, love your posts and love your book! We will be in CR at the JW in Nov. Would love for you and hubby to meet us for drinks or apps if you’re not too far from it.

    • Nadine Hays Pisani October 25, 2017 at 10:37 am - Reply

      Thanks, Carla. If we are not too busy with The Happier House maybe we can meet up.

  7. Ashley Taft October 24, 2017 at 2:21 pm - Reply

    I have only complained about one hotel in my life… but only in conversation! And it was in a… um… “challenging” part of Cleveland. Scratched and stained slab of bullet-proof plexiglass protecting the clerk. You are spot on about setting your expectations low and you can only feel better about everything!

    My motto: Cynicism. It’s a survival trait.

    • Nadine Hays Pisani October 25, 2017 at 10:39 am - Reply

      There are so many things I like about that. A bullet-proof plexiglass? What a great review that would make. And why was it scratched and stained? What the hell happened in there?

  8. Sarah October 24, 2017 at 1:21 pm - Reply

    I have a place in Playa Negra that we rent out. However I don’t live in paradise permanently. Your posts are inspiring me and motivating me to make this happen!

    • Nadine Hays Pisani October 25, 2017 at 10:39 am - Reply

      Come join us, Sarah! I’ve never regretted my move to Costa Rica. Couldn’t imagine living any other way.

  9. Muzz October 24, 2017 at 1:19 pm - Reply

    Fabulous! We always read reviews, good and bad, before traveling, and it’s abundantly clear that if you are looking for something to complain about, you will definitely find it….and if you’re not, you won’t! My absolute fave review of all time was from someone who had visited Ambergris Caye in Belize, and was aghast that “the sand was SO WHITE that I had to wear sunglasses ALL THE TIME!” Oh, poor baby 😉

    • Nadine Hays Pisani October 25, 2017 at 10:40 am - Reply

      It must have been a tragic experience for the poor chap. An all-white beach? Horrible. Just a dreadful way to spend a holiday. 🙂

  10. Bonnie Nehring October 24, 2017 at 12:37 pm - Reply

    Too funny! I’m a Marriott Premier member due to proximity of a Marriott property to my main office. On checking in one time desk clerk apologized for being out of “Premier” keycards which apparently are a different color – news to me. Told her if key would open my room I was fine with any color and she remarked on how many Premier members complain if they don’t get a key card advertising their elevated status. People truly amaze me. My husband is Costa Rican and we split our time between US and CR. Would love to visit your property some time on a trip to the coast.

    • Nadine Hays Pisani October 25, 2017 at 10:42 am - Reply

      Love that! I would do the same thing you did, just give me the key. I just want to get in my room. I don’t need it to be gold, made of platinum, or carved out of ivory. I’m simply tired and want to lay down.

  11. castropolous October 24, 2017 at 12:13 pm - Reply

    You are hysterical! Wow! I really enjoyed reading that. Thanks for the laughs this morning!

    • Nadine Hays Pisani October 25, 2017 at 10:43 am - Reply

      You got it! It’s always good to start the day with a nutritious breakfast with a side of laughter.

  12. Luc Fortier October 24, 2017 at 12:00 pm - Reply

    I loved your post!

  13. Michelle Z October 24, 2017 at 11:59 am - Reply

    Hilarious!! I love your writing Nadine! How’s the fourth book coming? When can we read it? Hugs, Michelle Z

    • Nadine Hays Pisani October 25, 2017 at 10:44 am - Reply

      Soon Michelle. I’m working every day editing it. Want to make it perfect for everyone.

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